books and aspirations...

when i was young, i had many ambitions and aspirations, just like children usually do.. they include being a career-woman so i can wear a different pair of high-heels to work everyday, a magazine model so i can look fabulous in clothes that will never look right on anyone walking down the street, a teacher cuz' they were the ones who i came into contact early in life, a air stewardness or flight stewardness as they call it now cuz' i can travel around the world in 80 days, an actress so i can be different characters in every show and explore those unknown sides of me, and a journalist/reporter so i can appear on TV with all the exciting news, etc.. but there's one aspiration that i had in the past, and it hasnt changed till today.. it began when i nurtured my love for reading (fiction).. to become an author..

when i read nice fiction, n get caught up in the whole book, and feel so closely connected to the characers in it dat i feel a loss when the book ends, i get awed by what words can deliver, and do. i feel words empower.. and often wonder if ever one day, i will be an author writing books that give my readers tt kind of awe, tt kind of satisfaction, tt kind of loss. thats prob why i keep a diary, besides the fact tt it is like a storage bank bcuz i m forgetful.. sometimes i have this urge, this longing to go read it to retrieve the memories and happenings of before.. and i will feel like deeply comforted by my words.. even they are not poetic or literary writing, but these words were written by me, and means alot to me.. they are like tangible representation of my life, the people in my life, and my growing up and wiser process.. and even tho the past has long gone, the words give them life, and make the memories seemingly belonging back to that timeframe and as if i m transported along.. and now, i also long to read it, but its all the way (1 and a half hr's journey) inside a drawer at Bedok Reservoir.

but as i grow older, and now studying about the media, i see how my aspiration mite be finalised. but nevertheless, even if i nv do publish any books, i will be comforted that my words mean something to me, and be thankful that many beautiful books exist in the library, contributed by authors from other countries, and that i can still read them and lose myself in the world they created.

sometimes, i wish i was born in another country. then maybe i will become an author. well, maybe i can fulfill another of my endless dreams.. to work in a fashion and beauty magz such as CLEO.. hmm...

MISunderstanding...

no one really understands yourself like you do... but do you understand urself totally as well?
i sometimes feel no1 can truly understand me, how i feel, what i feel, what i think, what's gg on in my life, and then they impose judgments already.. why do we question ppl when we see them sad or unhappy? do we really care hw they feel? or do we juz wanna make ourselves better when we asked them dont be sad.. cuz if we see them sad, we dont feel good.. and in order to make ourselves feel better n nt guilty for the person's sadness, we say 'dun be so sad la...' i caught myself saying tt to huiwen when she told me she lost her hp.. and immediately told myself off. i thk its such a overly used phrase tt is meaningless..

the person wont stop being unhappy juz cuz u said so. prob makes him/her feel worse or the same cuz u are denying his feelings and asking him to stop feelin tt way, as if tts wrong.. (learnt all these in 101 textbk, but rather make sense when i thk abt it)

if we just ask pple why they look unhappy cuz we dont wish to see tt and allow it (perhaps) to influence us as well, rather den real concern, we are just encouraging others to pretend there's no worries/problems they are facing.. others will next appear always cheery and smiling.. but is tt just a facade? sometimes i do feel tt way.. cuz its easier to force a smile.. and sweep ur problems under the carpet when u face others.. but beneath that shell, the vulnerablility and suppressed tears are things that others dont see...

i sometimes also hate pple asking me 'how r u?' or 'how's tings gg on?'... i noe they mite be really like concerned, but often i feel thats more like a conversation starter.. to me its nt a good choice.. cuz u cant sum up the ans to 'how are things?' in a sentence or short phrase.. ppl often expect u to say tings like Fine.., good.., OK... thats wat i hate! i always say 'i'm ok lor', or 'things are ok..' when i dun mean it.. i m stuck in dilemma whenever i m asked tt qns.. cuz i m nt really OK! but why shd i tell u, or in fact, how shd i tell u?? OK is juz an answer u wish to get and i conveniently give u.. so tht both of us will feel better.. shd i instead reply 'Oh, u noe tings are nt really ok.. very horrible.. my projects.. my lectures.. i m not adapting well.. i feel i m giving off negative vibes.. am i having low self-esteem? blah blah blah'??? i dont thk tts the answer they are expecting.. it will prob shock them, cuz after listening to that, they wont noe wat to reply to make u feel better.. den it mite go back to the vicious cycle of nt understanding or really noeing ur situation n ur feelings, and try to just help u solve by saying 'dont thk too much la, dont be too sad/worried, everyting will be ok!'.. BUT what do u noe??

damn.. i m like so skeptical of people.. increasingly i feel i m alone.. but at least it makes me feel better that even tho humans may fail me, but there is someone who is always present.. God and his peace.. his quiet assurance that He will see me through every circumstance of my life.. (learnt in today's follow up with eliza).. really appreciated eliza's prayer for me every session.. makes me feel much more encouraged..